Broken Puss

I went back to my urologist after not one, not two, but after the third attempt of failed bladder salvaging. I was paying nice copays for Western medicine to fix me and they weren’t.

There is this pharmaceutical con called step-therapy🚯.

What is step-therapy?

Pharmaceutical companies don’t want you to try the expensive drugs first, that costs them money. So the con is, companies make generic—cheaper drugs that furthermore may not work, but that saves them💰💰💰. The patient, me, is who is truly at fault. I am put through “test-trials” of drugs/therapies that will not work in order to finally come to a conclusion of “she needs care, give her a good drug”.

I’ve been in the pill mill since completely tearing my ACL and MCL during a varsity basketball game in high school. As an adult, now with an autoimmune disease that’s miffed by opiods, I now despise pills to the 10th degree.

I now resent medication, but will take them if it helps 🙄 (I’m stuck in the pill mill system. In a way, I'm a pharmaceutical HARLET 💃🏾 😫). I don’t like/can’t stand the taste of sharp, bitter Codine or a Oxycotin. Those feelings of lethargy, drowsiness and nausea are not feelings I care to enjoy. But I am stuck between hating the pill system yet needing them due to my disease.

Fast-forward to more than a decade later, now I have MS, which has enlarged my bladder to double the size, along w/ a varied list of symptoms. I was SO angry and confused that why at 28 I had began to pee on myself and not even feel the urge, or even feel when I went. It had stained/damaged many pants, skirts, office chairs, to the point where I started carrying trash bags and towels to clean messes in my vehicle—belittling. I was dehydrating myself afraid to even drink fluids of any kind.

At that point I was broken.

Come closer 👋🏾.

I have sustained nerve damage from my spine to my the very ends of each of my toes. I feel nothing as much as a brutal bruise to even being inches in urine that may trickle down my legs, sitting or standing. It is disgusting, frustrating, infuriating.

I was INFURATINGLY demoralized and embarrassed with myself 🙄 🤯 🥺 😭. I was drenching my workwear on my way into work, sometime during, or also leaving, shit and also walking or sitting in-between meetings. It was the inconvenient to be me. At th,is time I had no idea the issue. I swear I cover every MS issue with a MS tragedy.

The issue: My bladder not holding leakage. Not feeling the sensation to go to the restroom.

My excuse 🙄: Girl, you need to get between a kegal and a tight space! Hold tighter! You are being lazy!

It took me months before I thought to call my urologist, who I was already seeing for another MS issue (I later got test after test, which resulted in us finding all issues boiled back to my bladder 🤬). I have never felt this type of broken before. I always did the fixing of/for other people. Taking care of me is still new. Shit, sorely new.

Now to present day, the first bladder surgery—botox injections, was a fail, second surgery, failed test interstim, I pulled them out 🙄, to now a third, interstim, more implanted to test nerve responses.

Six years diagnosed, hard knocks and hard falls, and I am still as stubborn as an 🐂 🙄. I am trying to soothe those wreckless demons.