One Hell Of A Life

Come. 

Let me walk you through an MS day. Unexpectant days in hell that MS brings to my front door. Between you and I, I believe this is just a rather sick joke from God. 

STILL. 

Not fucking laughing.

A bad day, an MS day for me begins in soreness, in my neck, lower back and stiffness like you can NOT believe OR

I can wake up tired as if I never slept OR

I wake up gritting my teeth due to my right leg being paralyzed by nerve pain.

It is never something I/we can plan or even try to avoid. It simply just happens.  

It aches to stand. 

It aches to sit.

It aches to move.

It aches to stand.

It aches to breathe. 

I don’t feel the many bruises I sustain.

But the day will go on and out of irritation and stubbornness I may continue to trek on. Sometimes I curl up in my grandmother’s handmade blankets, cringing for them to comfort me. Other times, I mock my chronic fatigue symptom, rolling my eyes and cursing as I sledge across the day. Irritated that I can’t control my fatigue and that I am ruled mercilessly by my body.

It continuously angers me that I still do not know how my body contracted an autoimmune disease that eats away at its own self, crippling me in the process. I have more questions than I have answers and to be the control freak that I am,

I—CAN—NOT.

 So I trek through the day, days, God forbid...but he does, weeks going through internal, invisible torture. I do not like feeling at mercy to my body. But at times I am. When I think “walk,” my legs fall under me causing bruises on my legs and thighs which has become my “new normal.” 

I must admit, there are times where I bring on this life of miserable pain. Times when I want to enjoy life. Staying up or out too late enjoying friends’ company, enjoying a date with my husband or...when I just want to kick MS in the face and rebelliously revolt and drink liters of Pinot Noir! 

BUT.

The issue is, out of all the skeptical, questionable things I’ve so far done in this life, I still cannot find a reason for this unexpected tortuous disease that INVISIBLY wrecks havoc on my life. 

Remembers what Charlotte says:

“to have grace and mercy…”