I hate it here

For 29 years I was able to independently walk, sit and stand on my own. One Lisfranc tear later (the worst foot break) and I have lost the ability to stand and walk on my own.

D E B I L I T A T I N G.

My RRMS’ main goal is to deplete me and I am here in a battle for my legs and at times my life. Until doctors say otherwise, in my mind and belief, I will walk again.

My once athletic body...has now dwindled to knotted, chronic pained body heep. Now, I wake up to an alarm of my legs spasming—I hate it here.

My legs have lost muscle-memory, strength, tone and I've have had rashes from sitting in that damn chair for too long.

This disease has forced me to become a warrior… or a victim. Of course, you know which struggle I choose 🙄. It is not easy. It is tremendously challenging, being surprised by my own body’s failure t,o u,phold itself,. Forcing me to decide “is this is my defeat or will I put in the time to rebuild?”

This hit HARD. To wake up and not be able to move my legs. It's gut wrenching. I felt confined and imprisoned to “myself 😭 ” (at first it was a rollator, now it is a chair 😶”) because my body has decided to fight against itself and forget how to WALK 😡, sit-up, or stand up, so I now play chess against myself.

How will I tutn this struggle into my success in 2023

I now ask myself daily as I find myself battling nerve symptoms in my legs or feel fatigue by 11a during the day. At this point, solutions are the only news I want to seek and ,hear. There is no leaving these wheels at home. They are my new legs. It initially felt as if I was being stripped away of my independence, no more driving, no longer walking, no more standing 😶.

Oh the fury I have within myself for being 👉🏾 here. I am beyond irritated by my body’s weakness. I didn’t realize shit was this bad, until it was 🙄😑🤒.

One year post-Lisfranc tear, post-emergency room chaos, post-depression, post-anger, I find myself, looking in the mirror stating “and you will move past this with grace, Ashley, you will!”

I look back and realize that my legs had already shown weakness, my neuro PT prompted me to be fitted for custom wheels. It’s a custom-sized 😒, seat cushion, sized and fitted to my 6’1” frame. For that I thank her. I felt I finally was able to prepare for an MS incident instead of being reactionary.

Currently, my legs and toes no longer move, but I still have nerve sensations in my legs for damn sure. I am attempting to be proactive with my therapies and most importantly consistent with my “to dos”: eat (I NEED the weight on), build core, study, build glutes, eat, take supplements, study, and eat.

I have not been on my legs for more than a year. Sitting at 90 degrees everyday. Time is not on my side.

I have always had to struggle to get to an end.

I hate this MS life.