Yes, those thoughts...
The disclaimer. This was a bit awk to write. Publically, I am not expressive, but with this being my online diary for my life with MS, I felt I needed to share, do talk back to me via comments, Insta or email.
Before and in the midst of “F--- It All” I went through sorts of deep depression. Not all MS-related, but those burns were damn sure the source of my fight with my dark moments. I was stuck and angry with myself on so many levels! I died in front of a heater (MS fatigue) and BURNED TF OUT OF myself. Because of my CHRONIC disease. Which I will have for the rest of my life…
those thoughts…
For the last year and a half, I’ve been forced to wake up and go to sleep to intensified levels of pain every day. Endure numbness to my right foot, bladder issues, now numbness and severe nerve damage in my left leg with third-degree burns, along with my 18 other symptoms of MS. It sometimes feels as if my life is out of control and for someone with a powerful type-A personality, all of these sporadic health nightmares, this lifestyle is NOT working.
Last year I was in and out of depression with suicidal thoughts running rampant. I was so frustratingly miserable because there I was, five months later, in the same F——D head space of
“But if I just end it today…” again.
I believe I am annoyingly fortunate (when it suits Life). When I get into these deep, DARK thoughts I am so sure
At.
That.
Time.
“ that this is where I should be. Need to be.” I go through light and dark scenarios with myself persuading myself to
“Just slide off the bridge with the sandbags tied around your ankles,”
BUT in that same breath I find myself attempting to rectify my existence in this life.
“Is this really it for you?”
“Are you really going to let it all go. NOW, with all of your hard work?”
“What if clarity is right around the corner?”
During those times of “I’m just going to go” I think of my sister, my fiancé, my life. Before MS, life was challenging and with MS, life will continue to be challenging, but I’ve had some damn good times through this whirlwind of a show.
