Yes, those thoughts...
Here’s the disclaimer. This was a bit awk to write. Publically, I am not expressive, but with this being my online diary for my life with MS, I felt I needed to share, do talk back to me.
Prior and in the midst of “F--- It All” I went through sorts of deep depression. Not all MS related, but those burns were damn sure the source of my fight with my dark moments. I was stuck and angry with myself on so many levels! I died in front of a heater (MS fatigue) BURNED myself.because of my CHRONIC disease. Which I will have for the rest of my life…those thoughts…
For the last year and a half I’ve been forced to wake up and go to sleep to intensified levels of pain every day. Endure numbness to my right foot, bladder issues, now numbness and severe nerve damage in my left leg with third-degree burns, along with my 18 other symptoms of MS. It sometimes feels as if my life is out out of control and for someone with a powerful type-A personality, all of these sporadic health nightmares, this lifestyle is not working.
Last year I was in and out of depression with suicidal thoughts running rampant. I was so frustratingly miserable because there I was, five months later, in the same f——ed head space of
“But if I just end it today…” again.
I believe I am annoyingly fortunate (when it suits Life). When I get into these deep, DARK thoughts I am so sure at. that. time “this is where I should be, need to be.” I go through light and dark scenarios with myself persuading myself to
“Just slide off the bridge with the sand bags tied around your ankles,” BUT in that same breathe I find myself attempting to rectify my existence in this life.
“Is this really it for you?”
“Are you really going to let it all go. NOW. All your hard work?”
“What if clarity is right around the corner, Ashley?”
During those times of “I’m just going to go.” I think of my sister and my fiance, and my life,. Before MS, life was challenging and with MS, life will continue to be challenging, but I’ve had some damn good times through this whirlwind of a show.
The little light at the end
On the verge of clawing my eyes out in MS frustration I was invited to the Multiple Sclerosis Public Policy Conference in Washington, DC by the National Multiple Sclerosis Society, it was exactly where I needed to be at exactly the right time. I was inspired by so many MS Warriors. Their drive, their will to survive, to fight and for the first time since being diagnosed I did not feel alone. I feel empowered and rejuvenated to be a part of a TRIBE, my MS Warrior Tribe.
Hence my declaration to not cop out. Not now. Not ever.
I promised myself and others February 10,2019, that that was he LAST time I sink that low inside myself. The last time I torment myself. So now? I am doing my due diligence to work my way out of this dark cycle.
Today, I am still walking myself out of that depression. Walking myself out of those feelings of insignificance, failure, disgust. I am learning how to change my perspective, one day at at time, When I look in the mirror I see and believe myself to be a survivor. I see a fighter. I see a woman who is working through her “isms” in order to come out stronger than when she went in. And I can live with that.