F--- It All.
I’m still alive, barely,but alive. I’ve slowly been coming back to life. Since January 1, I’ve transitioned from relapse to burn victim in a matter of weeks!
I can tell you I am most definitely NOT feeling the positive vibes of 2019.
I went to South Florida to celebrate Christmas with my fiancé, we’ve had a long distance relationship, now engagement for about two years now. I was on cloud 9 while there, besides detesting the sweltering heat of December in Florida. Having a long distance relationship is not easy, oftentimes we find ourselves both busying ourselves with work, me rubbing my workaholic tendencies onto him. It's our excuse not to miss each other too much--it never works.
But back to my what had happened...what had happened was…
I returned back to North Florida and went on to prepare for my work week that Monday (Jan 1), . Of course, I am in full recluse mode, no longer in my happy place which led to a slip into the miserable blues. So I started my first week back in normal routine: wake up, in pain, go to work, endure the pain while at work, try not to trip, fall or kill yourself while there, and then do it all over again the next day.
THEN mid-week MS fatigue hit me like a ton of bricks. By the second week of January, I was walking into full “kill me now” mode.
For my norms (that is what I call my healthy (non-MSer) folks). To be clear, if you are reading, fatigue and MS fatigue, they are TWO TOTALLY different types of fatigue, both a pain, but our fatigue...I believe trumps yours, just a bit--no competition though.
Norm fatigue is an extreme tiredness, brought on by physical exertion or illness. That can still kick your ass too.
But, MS fatigue, its a type of tiredness that occurs for about 80 percent of us with the disease. I know it’s coming because it feels as if an elephant and the Sandman have sat on my shoulders and I am utterly exhausted.
Every day of every second. My body starts to “short-circuit”, for me that is where my nerves feel as if their popping on my skin, the thought of getting up and going to the restroom, down the hall, to the kitchen, anywhere, is a daunting task,. It’s not laziness, it’s my body simply dropping the mic and exiting stage left on my ass.
Along with lessons on my brain not communicating with the rest of my body I endure this bone-deep type of tiredness often. Sometimes all I can do after I’ve withered away at work is fall down, and knock out, on floors, in the bathtub, in my car, wherever my body decides to fall. With MS fatigue I am cloudy, groggy, and irritable, just to name a few perks. As I trek through the day it gets worse, by mid-afternoon, I am a "dead man walking”. Still alive, still present, but detached and physically, mentally and miserably depleted of life, health and strength.
Oh, but that’s not the best part!
So fighting off my MS fatigue one night, I accident;y feel asleep in front of the heater, for possibly an hour--or later, and woke up to a phone call. My left leg felt like it was ON FIRE. I wiped it with a cool cloth and moisturized it, talked on the phone and went back to a not-so-comfortable sleep. From exposure to the heat, my nerves were screaming “F I R E,” my leg spasms had never been that bad before, but I thought “it will settle down.”
Until I woke up with two HUGE (approx four inches raised from my skin) blisters on the back of my left leg. They were unbelievably painful and hot to the touch and I know for sure nerve damage came into play. Of course, they burst, which leads to MORE pain as I attempt to wear trousers or skirts to work the next day. I sustained second-degree burns (the above bruise) and second and slightly third-degree (the bruise below).
A week healed with Rose Hip Oil.
My legs are my most prized feature on my body, having these two, obnoxious marks is blowing me away right now, especially knowing that I have a wedding in one year and eight months—EXACTLY.
I am frustrated with myself...but I have to keep going, right?