F--- It All.
I’m still alive, barely, but alive. I’ve slowly been coming back to life.
Since January 1, I’ve transitioned from relapse to burn victim in a matter of weeks.
I can tell you I am most definitely NOT feeling the positive vibes of 2019.
I went to South Florida to celebrate Christmas with my fiancé, we’ve had a long-distance relationship, now engagement for about two years. I was on cloud 9 while there, besides detesting the sweltering heat of December in South Florida. Having a long-distance relationship is not easy, oftentimes we find ourselves both busying ourselves with more work, me rubbing my workaholic tendencies onto him. It's our excuse not to miss each other too much--it never works.
But back to my “what had happened”...what had happened was…
I returned to North Florida and went on to prepare for my work week that Monday (Jan 1), of course, I am in full recluse mode, no longer in my happy place which led to a slip into the miserable blues. BUT I started my first week back in normal routine: wake up, in pain, go to work, endure the pain, while at work, try not to trip, fall or kill yourself while there, and then do it all over again the next day, in pain. Awesome.
THEN mid-week MS fatigue hit me like a ton of bricks. By the second week of January, I was walking into full “kill me now” mode.
For my norms (that is what I call my healthy, non-MSers), to be clear, fatigue and MS fatigue, they are TWO TOTALLY different types of hell. Both a pain, but our fatigue...I believe trumps regular fatigue. yours, just a bit--no competition though. BUT we win.
With my fits of fatigue, I am battle muscle spasticity, tiredness, due to lack of rest, and worst of all for me, brain fatigue.
But, MS fatigue, it is a type of tiredness that occurs for about 80 percent of us with the disease. I know it’s coming because it feels as if an elephant and the Sandman, both, have sat on my head and shoulders, and I am EXTREMELY exhausted.
ALL.
THE.
DAMN.
TIME.
My body starts to “short-circuit,” for me that is where my nerves feel as if they’re popping right on top of my skin. The thought of getting up and going to the restroom, down the hall, to the kitchen, anywhere, becomes a daunting task.
It’s NOT laziness, it is my body simply dropping the mic and exiting stage left.
Along with lesions on my brain not communicating with the rest of my body I endure this bone-deep type of tiredness often. Sometimes all I can do after I’ve withered away at work is fall down, and knock out, on floors, in the bathtub, in my car, wherever my body decides to land.
The bitch is spontaneous. It's there when I wake up, it creeps up through out the day, and it just keeps getting worse. I turn into a "dead woman walking”.
Still alive, still present, but detached and physically, mentally and miserably depleted of life, health and strength.
Okay. Now to the shits…
So fighting off my MS fatigue one night, I accidentally feel asleep, PASSED TF OUT, in front of a heater, for possibly an hour--or later, and woke up to
F I R E.
The skin, still normal, not raised, was burning and stinging , so I wiped it with a cool cloth and moisturized it with Shea Butter, talked on the phone and went back to a not-so-comfortable sleep.
... I thought “it would settle down,” (*rolls eyes*)
Until I woke up with TWO HUGE (approx four inches raised from my skin) blisters on the back of my left leg. They were unbelievably painful and hot to the touch.
AND OF FRIGGIN course, they burst, which lead to MORE pain!
A week F—D with Rose Hip Oil.
My legs are my most prized feature on my body,
having these two, obnoxious marks is blowing me away right now, especially knowing that I have a wedding in one year and eight months—EXACTLY.
I am frustrated AF with myself…
but I must keep going, right?
